Wow, has it really been a year and 4 months since my last post? What a rollercoaster life has been since then! Truth be told I thought I had the worst of it back then. Deciding I wanted to change uni, struggling to make new friends, feeling like I wasn't good enough. Oh sweetheart, you have no idea how bad things are for you now, that will feel like a walk in the park when you get to today!
Dear Past Self,
Since September 2019 things kind of went down hill, from family illnesses to attending a funeral the world even decided to throw in a world disaster known as the COVID-19 pandemic. Those that are vulnerable are to stay at home, if you break the rules of "lockdown" you can face a fine between £200 to £10,000, all your food shopping is done online but booking a slot is the fight of the century. But before we dive into that one here's what happened at the beginning of the year, you planned a surprise get together for your SO 21st, though incredibly stressful as although it was announced and planned for almost a MONTH after his birthday, some of the people felt bad that they hadn't planned it so wanted to take credit as that is "our role of something we would normally do"... Don'r even get me started on how much you wanted to lay it to them straight over how NOBODY had planned anything hence why you took it upon your self to do something for his BELATED birthday. It was a nice evening and you had some amazing cocktails, truth be told you were drinking through the stress. Then there was a funeral, in all honesty I can't remember when this funeral took place month wise, but like most funerals it was a sad event. Don't worry, nobody mega close to you! Things then were pretty average until March when we were told Uni was breaking up for Easter early, that is when the world completely shifted. Two days after coming home it was announced that a virus known at COVID-19 had reached the UK and was rapidly spreading to other parts of the world, thought to have originated in China. Uni was to no longer be allowed on campus and everything else from now on was to be completed online. That is when people started panic buying, for some reason the first item to get stockpiled by people was toilet roll, urm I am sorry but this virus doesn't give you the shits. Anyways, it was at this point that you felt there was no reason in staying at your rented property by Uni if you weren't going to be returning there until the start of the next academic year. 4 car trips full later and you've moved out - yes it was stressful but I will tell you that one in person as to what the F happened. The plans you made got postponed until summer of 2020. You spend your birthday in lockdown but manage to have an okay day (p.s. your 21st might also be in lockdown at this rate). Remember those plans you made that got pushed back to September? They are still being pushed back to now summer of 2021 and you have no idea if they will ever become a reality. You haven't seen your friends since July of 2020 but even then that was only a few of them, some you haven't seen since July 2019. No you haven't fallen out with them, though you hardly talk anymore. It is simply that it is literally illegal to go see anyone. This includes your family but not exactly your mum, why? Well, you are actually in the middle of moving house and so the rules are more flexible for those that are moving house. You still enter her house to get your things but you can't stay and you keep your distance. Things aren't great with her right now either as she's currently undergoing tests as they found a lump in her throat area and has been informed she has a problem with her lymphatic system, though they don't know what yet. She's okay though. You know how she is when she gets ill. Back to the moving thing, I mean like moving out-out, not to a Uni property but into a house in your home town. You did move back to Uni but that was when we weren't in another lockdown and Uni wasn't as much of a shit show as it is now. The place was TERRIBLE and so you moved back home within 4 months. LOL. You and your partner are now married and are having a second wedding in 2021! (Regarding the wedding, mentally you are counting the 2021 wedding as your real one and this one as just a formality as your family wasn't invited due to COVID and you only brought it forward due to X person's health being on the line, long story and trust me you mega regret some of those choices). In October you discovered you are pregnant and in December you learnt that it is in fact a boy. Don't worry, you've chosen the perfect name, Christmas your water tank broke so you had to spend it with your parents - which was amazing as Boris stole Christmas from literally only those in Surrey I swear (minus Godalming, they were allowed Christmas, those posh snobs)… Uni is all online now, which basically means "here are some PowerPoint slides or you to read, good luck", things really do suck for you and Uni right now as things have just fallen to pieces since COVID was announced. Your grades have dropped significantly and you are no longer getting a first in everything. You are, however, getting 70 to 80% in your weekly tests which is amazing! You are however, considering not finishing the full course and getting a job in a different field or finding a different route to get there. Currently Uni is causing you so much stress that you are worried about the baby's health as stress really isn't good for babies. Talking of, you have had some unexpected news regarding him. DON'T PANIC he is okay! But the way he is laying and the position of the placenta means that you may need to have a c-section and not a natural delivery. I know you have dreamed of a home birth but it is probably safer to stay in hospital for this one even if the placenta and baby do move to the correct position. Your migraines are sometimes really bad now you can't have medication but its okay because you know that really supportive Uni of yours that allows you to have an extension if you aren't feeling well and stuff like that. HA Yeah, forget them. They refused you an extension TWICE both for ridiculous reasons, first was for asking too soon and the second for giving too much detail in the section that says "Give as much detail as you can as to how this situation is effecting you" … That plus some other things has made you HATE your faculty/university. On the positive side of things, as you are writing this you little one is kicking you which is so cute as you haven't been feeling kicks yet when you really should have been by now. I feel like this is everything major that has gone on and by the time you get around to writing this, you would have experienced it anyways. Stay safe and all that jazz, below is how today felt like for you today and what actually prompted you to write this letter to your past self. Let me know if you would like me to write to a future self at some point.
The day is Thursday 21st January 2021, the world still feels like its going to explode any second. From a deadly disease, to riots and being fined for seeing a friend things really do not seem like they could get any worse. But then the notification rings and essay marks have been released, heart race increasing as the tab gets opened, a refresh of the page and everything comes tumbling down. 32%... I have... Failed. How? How could this be? I tried so hard on this and I have never failed anything in my life! This must be a mistake. I can't fail. I mustn't fail. Can things get better from here or am I on a downwards spiral? Mind racing. So many thoughts. Too many thoughts. What do I do? How do I fix this? What about my future? Am I really this worthless? Am I really this much of a failure? Am I even good enough? STOP! JUST STOP! Silence.
Breathe, just breathe and relax. Sure this is literally the worst grade you have ever gotten. Yes you're now thinking about how like would be so much better if you never changed universities in the first place. Yes things feel pretty rough. But there is so much happening in your life right now and not all of it is shit. You have a baby on the way, he's not going to think you're a failure, he's not going to care what grade you got at university, heck he's not even going to care if you drop out and get a job in a field you weren't planning on. He won't care about these things as these things don't define you and they won't ever define you. You are so many things, a loving wife, a mum to be, an artist, a writer, a kind and loving soul. You are not your grades or your looks or anything superficial. You are more than what a piece of paper labels you as and more than what a mirror can show you. Life may hurt right now, bad things may seem as if they have no end but always believe that there is good. Always believe that things will get better. You will flourish, you will find a path that is right and when it is your path, you will feel it, you will know it. Sometimes you have to face the rain to find the rainbow.
A list of amazing things that happened during 2020 despite the world being in despair:
1. Spending quality time with loved ones.
2. Wedding
3. Pregnancy announcement
4. Moving into our first home! - before we save up to buy our forever home
5. New TV and PS4 lol
6. Decorating baby's room
7. Writing this with a positive mindset despite literally feeling like crying.
That's all folks, see you again soon and maybe just maybe I will have an idea on what the F i am doing with my life then!
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